Lightweight Lager Lad is an autobiographical story about Norbert and his completely hopeless drinking skills.
It's a well documented scientific fact that Norbert has never been able to hold his ale. Even the use of an alcohol based hand sanitiser has been known to turn Norbert into a shambling drunken wreck. However from the mid 1980's to the late 1990's Norbert battled bravely to try and keep up with the lads and their immense drinking habits. Dobba could often down 15 pints of real ale in one sitting without batting an eyelid, likewise Booga had an enormous appetite for anything liquid with a %age mark next to it. The Charmer could down Pink Champagne and Babycham with the best of them. Only Daz came anywhere close to Norberts patheticness although, bless him, he did try. Although this would often end up with him sleeping in pools of his own vomit, usually in someone else's bed.
Norbert would try his best to keep up but most of his beer ended up in the plant pots of the Chez Vegas pubs the lads frequented of a Satdi Neet.
Unfortunately for Norbert when he did manage more than half a shandy he would get a severe case of the beer goggles. Many a moose falling prey to his charms after he'd sucked a couple of wine gums.
This song namechecks three of these ladies. The first being a young lady by the name of Nicola Sproston. They met via the internet of the day, the CB radio, and Norbert would spend many a night in his dads draughty garage chatting to his "Snoopy" (how prophetic that name would be). After weeks of small talk and flirting over the airwaves, often interrupted by hairy arsed truckers barging their way into the conversation with shouts of "Ten four for a copy" (look it up) they finally agreed to meet at Iain Davies party. Being a lightweight in the ways of love as well, Norbert stayed in one room whilst she stayed in the other until he had drunk enough Lager to get up the courage to talk to her face to face. So after a couple of sips from a can of Kestel the beer goggles descended, courage was found and a beautiful night of hand holding, snogging and hair brushing ensued. It has to be noted at this point that at this time Norbert had quite long hair and young Nicola must have had some kind of fetish for ropey barnets as she sat brushing it for ages.
To cut a long story short they arranged to meet at the cinema, watched Rocky 4 then went to MacDonalds. it was only at this point in the cold bright lights of the takeaway that a sober Norbert got a good look at her and vowed never to drink again.
The other two lasses mentioned are Jackie the Market Monster (used to work behind the bar in the Market PH) and Anne Marie. Jackie was the result of an ill feted alcohol fuelled re-bound pull after being dumped by a long term girlfriend. Norbert had seen her many times before in good lighting conditions and knew exactly what she looked like so the beer goggles must have been particularly strong that night!
Anne Marie he met at Feargals wedding and to be honest wasn't that bad, but she did have tits like teabags.
The song itself has a very 80's vibe to it, quite appropriate for the time period it covers. It was produced by Stock, Aitken and Waterman but don't bother asking them about it as they'll only deny it.
The songs also proves once and for all, if there was ever any doubt, which there wasn't, that Norbert really really can't sing.
Nowadays Norbert has given up drink, mostly, and keeps super fit running marathons and climbing mountains.
Uber fan Paul "Goffy Gofton" was asked for his comments after receiving a pre release copy of the track.
"It was with a sense of dread that I noticed ANOTHER Fingolstones Firemen song in my inbox. Life in lockdown has not served the band well. When they are not supping lager they are singing about it. I don't blame Norbert the only remaining band member for this but the former members who did not have creative differences but just left to get on with their lives.
Turning to the song itself. Well lets look at the positives. Nice bit of alliteration in the title. It is also only 4 minutes 6 seconds long but it is 4 minutes 6 seconds I will not get back. The only thing this song will be remembered for is it was released on the same day as Liverpool won the title.
Some things improve with age, Norberts singing does not. I cannot see this song being included in The Fingolstones Firemen Greatest Hits album. Norbert needs to get back to what he knows best, writing lyrics about Foxy".
Anne-Marie of saggy tits fame.
I still remember when we first met
Back when there was no internet
On my CB radio
We’d talk for hours every night
You were my world you were my light
How was I supposed to know
Iain Davies party time
4 cans of kestrel feeling fine
You looked just like a beauty queen
Then we kissed you brushed my hair
Holding my hand just lying there
The most beautiful girl I’d ever seen
I took you to the cinema
We went to see Rocky 4
It was dark the lights so dull and dim
After down to Maccy D’s
In the bright lights I had to freeze
I was sober and you were as ugly as sin
The kestrel lager took me over
Took my control away
Now I think before I drink
Never to repeat that day
Years later the same old tale
Out with the lads supping ale
Drinking 8 pints every night
Creeping round the Avenue
All the girls would look like you
In the dark they all looked all right
Jackie with the smelly pits
Anne Marie with the saggy tits
Holster Pils clouding up my brain
Ugly birds and fat ones too
Pissed out me head not a clue
All this lager driving me insane
It’s got to end it’s got to stop
I’ve even tried alcopop
It’s no good my judgement goes astray
Got to face it I’m just a wimp
My drinking skills are very limp
I’ve just got to call it a day.
The Holsten Pils made me ill
Took my control away
Now I think before I drink
Never to repeat those days
And now I know it’s J20
That keeps me on a level plain
It’s obvious I’m just a wuss
I’m never drinking again.