Norbert - Vocals, Guitar, Bass, Drums, Piano & Trumpet
Daz - Vocals

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It seems as though in the modern world no one seems to meet their future partner in a pub any more. The erection section at the local nightclub seems to have died a death, after all you can't really get smoochy to Jungle Grime Drum & Bass can you.
In the modern world the process of finding your perfect mate has gone all Hi Tec and love nowadays is found in the murky cyberspace of t'internet.  
Even Fingolstone Daz has dipped his toes in the filthy waters of the online dating pool although being a tight arse and refusing to pay for the service means that he is stuck with the free stuff and all the munters it inevitably attracts and so has got pretty much nowhere.
One member of the Fingolstones inner circle found out the hard way just how dangerous this online malarkey really could be when he met a bird and went to see her for some fun and frolics. Sadly this ended in disaster when he very nearly had his lights well and truly punched out.
To protect his identity it is not the place of this website to name this poor unfortunate and the lyrics of the song tell the story as well as any 19th century murder ballad could.

The subject of this song whose identity is protected
 (Nah it's Bradder).

Daz's internet dating profile picture. Proof 
positive as to why he never has any luck.

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Tragically Bradder passed away in 2018 after a brave battle against cancer. This song remains a tribute to a top lad who is greatly missed by everyone who knew him.
R.I.P Bradder.

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The world wide web is a fine place to be
You can find anything at all
A car some porn some Addidas Kick
You really can have a ball
When you're young and single and looking for love
It's an excellent place to start
Just type away and soon you may find
The girl to capture your heart

A friend of mine decided to try
To find the girl of his dreams
Night and day he'd surf away
Nothing's quite as it seems

He spent many a night in front on the screen
And many a bird he'd pester
Just when he was about to give up
He went and met Sharon from Leicester
She seemed to be the perfect bird
She was funny and kind and quite fit
Most important of all for my mate Paul
It was clear she was right up for it

Plans were made he was going to get laid
Excited he got in his ride
For an hour he drove down the M1 road
He knew he'd soon be there by her side

She opened the door and flashed him a smile
He felt his heart skip a beat
She said come on in would you like a brew
Sit down take the weight off your feet
The air was heavy with the tension of love
She cuddled up to him real tight
He knew his luck was in with this lovely lass
He knew he'd get no sleep tonight

They started to kiss they started to touch
His hands all over the place
When all of a sudden her son burst in
With a look of rage on his face

Now Paul kept calm and said look son
I'm not hurting your mom
She's a good friend of mine and she's looking real fine
We're just gonna have some fun
The lad stared at him with evil eyes
Said get out get out of my home
No said Paul I'm a friend of your moms
Now go away and leave us alone

But the lad was mad no doubt about that
In front of his eyes was red mist
We went up to Paul drew himself up real tall
And punched him in the face with his fist

He grabbed the lad by the scruff of his neck
And dragged him down to the floor
He said do that again and I'll kick your ass
Then threw him out the front door
He looked at Shaz as she lay on the couch
She said don't worry about him he's a pest
Now get down here let me stroke you on
That pelt you wear on your chest

Oh the night was filled with passion and love
There aint no doubt about that
Then the lad returned with some of his mates
In his hand was a baseball bat.

Paul got off of his nest and ran for the door
But a blow caught him right on the head
He knew that he'd have to get out of that house
Or he'd probably end up dead
The blows crashed down on his body and face
He didn't know if he could last
But he somehow made it out to his car
And he got out of there real fast

He drove home that night full of fear and fright
And swore that he'd never return
He crawled into bed and nursed his sore head
Oh what a lesson he'd learned

Now when he's alone in the dark of the night
The good lord he has to thank
For sparing his life on that fateful night
He should have stayed at home for a wank